Observation
by Lywnna
Summary: Three weeks after returning from a suicide mission, things are still tense on the Normandy between Shepard and newly appointed Alliance Liaison Kaidan Alenko. Post ME2 Shenko oneshot.


_I wrote this on anonymous request, but liked it enough to clean it up and put my name on it. Thanks to the requester for the suggestion!_

_Also, it was written shortly after the release of ME2, before Kasumi was released and we knew what was behind that door or that Kasumi would be staying there, and of course long before we knew exactly how Kaidan would be returning to the Normandy for ME3._

_Update 1/27/13 - Did a bit of grammar cleanup and just a few awkward language fixes. No major changes._

* * *

The door hissed open, and Shepard didn't bother to look up from the book on the datapad she was reading. The observation lounge was open to any crew member who wished to use it. This was the smaller one, often kept locked as it offered less comforts than the lounge Samara had made her home. Shepard preferred it, though it wasn't unheard of to have others join her here, usually just not in the dead of night.

"Sorry, Commander." she heard the voice behind her say, and although she remained perfectly still, her heart jumped. "I didn't know the room was occupied."

"It's alright, Kaidan." Shepard said, lowering the datapad and turning to look behind her. She did her best not to notice how the Alliance t-shirt he was wearing defined the muscles of his chest. At least his sweatpants spared her a view of his legs. "The room is for everyone's use."

Just glancing at him, she knew why he was here. His thick eyebrows were nearly pinched together, and even though the room was dark, he was squinting. The nighttime lighting coming in from the hallway behind him was obviously too much for him right now.

"How bad is this one?" she asked, her voice softening. "Do you want me to go get Dr. Chakwas?"

"No, I think I just need dark... and quiet."

There was only one couch in this smaller observation lounge, and Shepard was sitting in the middle of it. She moved to the very end, though that wouldn't quite give Kaidan, as tall as he was, enough room to stretch out on.

Kaidan hesitated for a moment, then as he stepped into the room the doors behind him slid shut. He moved slowly to the couch as to not jostle too much, then uncertainly sat on the other end, as far as Shepard as possible.

"Do you want me to leave?" she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral. Since Kaidan's "reassignment" as the Alliance liaison to Shepard's team a week ago, things had been tense. They hadn't spoken of Horizon, or the email he'd sent her. They'd been professional, even cordial to one another, but so far neither had been willing to budge further.

It felt like a long time before Kaidan answered, but in reality, Shepard knew it had only been a few seconds. "No. Stay." He shifted his body and laid his head on the pillow at the opposite end from where Shepard sat. His legs were bent, barefoot toes inches from Shepard's leg.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" she asked, hoping her voice didn't betray how much concern she actually felt.

Kaidan answered by merely shaking his head lightly. Accepting this answer, Shepard went back to her datapad, lowering the brightness of the holoscreen as dim as it would go.

Some time later, Kaidan's deep breathing roused Shepard from her book. She looked over at him, though he was asleep, she could tell his features were still not quite relaxed.

Shepard sighed._What are we going to do about each other, Alenko?_she thought. Even though he was here now, every time she walked into her quarters she still stopped to look at the picture of him. If only she could find a way to vocalize what she felt as easily as she once had. What he'd said on Horizon had stung, deeply. She was lost in a maelstrom of emotions for weeks, and then she'd only sent a reply back to his email moments before the Normandy had headed through the Omega 4 Relay.

"_Understood... and agreed."_She hadn't known what else to say, but she knew for her head to be clear for the mission, she had to say _something_. She had lived, though they'd still lost tens of thousands of colonists, and now things had "settled down" as Kaidan's email had predicted. Two weeks later he was a part of her crew, by her own request to the Alliance, but somehow they still felt as far apart as ever. Now he was sleeping restlessly next to her.

Seeing him here, hearing his breathing, Shepard's mind was taken back to the few nights they'd been able to spend together after Ilos, before she'd died. They'd both agreed to try to not let things interfere with the Normandy's operations, and to be careful so Anderson and Hackett wouldn't find out. The days after the Reaper attack were filled with reports to file, giving testimony in order to avoid a court martial, a state funeral for Ashley, cleanup efforts, repairs to the Normandy... most nights they were too exhausted to bother trying to sneak around. They'd only gotten to be together perhaps a half dozen times in that month, but each moment of those precious hours were ingrained on Shepard's Cerberus-enhanced memory.

And now, alone with him so close in this dark and quiet place, those visions filled her thoughts. For a few moments she indulged her memory, but looking at him now made her think of how different things were, and all the things she wanted to say to him but could never find the words._This won't do. Not now, he's hurting _she thought._I should go._

Shepard turned off the datapad and set it on a small side table when a blanket draped on the chair across the room caught her eye. It was the slightest bit chilly in the observation lounge, and if Kaidan was going to sleep on this couch tonight, he should have the blanket, she thought.

Shepard slowly stood up, trying to disturb Kaidan as little as possible, but he stirred as she moved from the couch. She tried to quietly creep the five steps across the room, but the silence of nighttime on a ship, every bare footfall sounded like the beating of a drum.

"Don't go."

Shepard's breath hitched in her throat at hearing his voice so unexpectedly. "Please."

She turned to look at him, the soft lighting in the room was just enough to see the outline of his face, and he looked beautiful. He was now half-sitting up, and she was reminded of the way he looked when waking from her bed, just before they arrived at Ilos.

Her resolve weakened.

"I was just getting you this," she said, picking up the blanket. "You looked cold."

He smiled at her softly. "Thank you."

Shepard nodded, and walked back across the room. Kaidan had sat up, but he was now in the middle of the couch. As Shepard slid into the spot she'd been sitting in, she caught his scent, so familiar, so inviting. She bit her lip to keep her mind focused, not daring to hope this was anything more than him worrying that were he alone during a migraine, he could pass out and have no one to go wake the doctor. Instead, she offered him the blanket.

"It would help a lot if you could... like you used to," Kaidan said, and Shepard understood. She laid the blanket in her lap and turned sideways on the couch, slipping one leg behind him with the other foot still on the ground. He laid his head on the blanket in her lap, his head near her navel, while he swung his legs onto the other side of the couch.

"Here?" she asked, her fingers moving to Kaidan's temples, and slowly began to massage his forehead in slow circles. Long before Ilos, she had done this for him. Usually she had helped him while Chakwas was nearby in the medbay, sometimes in the mess hall with her standing behind him in a chair. For a long time it was professional, she thought of it as just another way she helped her crew. Until it wasn't.

"Yes."

For a long time, they were quiet as Shepard worked her fingers along Kaidan's brow. Her heart was pounding, she was sure Kaidan could hear it, his head being so close. Her mind wandered to all of the other times she'd done this for him. Then the one time after Ilos they'd done this in her quarters and he'd fallen asleep in her arms. They hadn't made love that night, but she felt like they hadn't needed to.

She wondered if Kaidan could tell her pulse had begun to race, and that she was warm from the blood rushing through her veins from just being near him like this again. She wondered if being this close to her was doing the same to him, or if this was nothing more than pain relief from his migraine. Her eyes roamed over him, taking in his peaked eyebrows, his full lips, the swells of muscles under the Alliance t-shirt he was wearing. It was too dark to see much past that. After a moment, she realized that she'd distracted herself from rubbing circles on Kaidan's forehead. She resumed her ministrations, slowly running her fingers over his brow, down to the spot between his eyebrows, and back up again, tracing his hairline before returning to circling his temples. She wanted to do more, to trace down his jaw, to run her fingers over his lips, feel his pulse in his neck and slide her hand down his chest to rest over his heart, but she didn't. Instead, she stayed with the motions Dr. Chakwas had showed her, the approved techniques to assist with the pain L2s felt. Shepard resolved to keep going until he asked her to stop.

She had no idea how much time had passed when he spoke again.

"Shepard, I know I said it before, but I'm sorry for Horizon. I wish I'd gone with you," he said, his voice soft, low, but clear. "I didn't understand..." he trailed off, maybe to collect his thoughts but Shepard was speaking already.

"I'm glad you didn't go, Kaidan. It was too dangerous. We lost a lot of good people. I could have lost" she was going to say_you_, but the word stopped in her throat. "More," she managed to say, but softer.

Kaidan's hand reached up and took her wrist, gently, his thumb pressed into her palm. His eyes were open now, staring up at her. "I could have lost you_again_. Shepard, I couldn't..." he, too stopped short of what he really wanted to say.

Instead, his other hand slid up her arm and to the back of her neck. He didn't have to apply much pressure to draw her mouth down to his.

Kissing Kaidan again was bliss… so familiar, and a thousand memories rushed through her head as her body responded to his taste. His hand kept gentle pressure on the back of her neck as their lips danced together. From her awkward position above him, her breasts grazed the top of his head, she could feel his warmth through the thin t-shirt she wore. Her free hand moved down to finally caress his face, as if making sure he was really there, and she smiled just a bit with delight at the rough feel of light stubble that would be gone in a few hours when he shaved.

Kaidan released her wrist and slowly sat up. They adjusted around each other, his hand gliding over her neck, into her hair, insisting their lips never part even as they moved, as if he was afraid she would disappear again if he let her go for even a second. For her part, Shepard didn't even try to pull away, beginning to feel intoxicated by the taste and touch of the man who was once her Lieutenant, now her Commander, and again her lover.

Shepard found herself straddling Kaidan's lap, her arms around his neck, the blanket forgotten on the floor. One of his hands was still moving through her hair, keeping her close, while the other roamed her back, then found the bottom of her shirt. She moaned quietly as he slipped his hand underneath it, the warmth of his palm now enticing her skin.

Shepard grabbed handfuls of Kaidan's shirt, urging him to sit forward as she pulled it upward, needing to feel his skin as well. Finally confident she wasn't going to disappear, he used both hands to lift her shirt over her head, and she did the same for him in return, their lips only breaking contact for a second before they dove back in to one another. Kaidan's hands grasped at the clasp of Shepard's bra, taking no time at all before moving to her shoulders to pull down the straps. He threw the garment aside as they both wrapped their arms around one another, pressing their bodies together as tightly as they could as they kissed fiercely. Her mind flashed to the first time they had been like this, and how for the last few months she'd feared they never would be again. For a moment she was so overwhelmed with emotion, something between a laugh and a sob wracked her body.

Kaidan must have felt it, because his hands moved to stroke her face, and he finally pulled back. Their foreheads pressed together, and for a time they gasped for breath, wordless and vulnerable in each other's presence.

Shepard broke the silence. "Your head?" she whispered.

"Much better."

A pause as his fingers slid across her cheek, down to her lips where she more mouthed than voiced the words that she'd been trying to say for months.

"I missed you."

"I'm sorry I wasted so much time," his voice, even in a whisper, was thick with emotion.

"We won't waste any more, I promise."

"I promise, too."

Louder, she spoke. "EDI, Lock the door. Surveillance off."

There's was a soft click, and a tiny light near the door went out. Inside the observation lounge, no more time was wasted.


End file.
